jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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