Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize