just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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