Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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