I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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