the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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