the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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