clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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