I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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