when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
not ubering you a puppy
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
