so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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