My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
