At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
