i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
