she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
