He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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