Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
