No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
