I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
