im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize