Pants 0. Shit 1.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
