Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
