im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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