True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
