Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
