I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
