Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
