oh god the rape fog is back!
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
