And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
All I want is dick and wine.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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