Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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