I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
