Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
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My thoughts exactly.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize