Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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