I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
