i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
