My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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