when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
