awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
