You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
