please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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