Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
