Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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