i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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