just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
