There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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