only if we run a train.
done.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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