So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
