my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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