my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
