How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
