Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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