I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
