after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
