Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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