i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
