I met the friendliest cop last night
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
