just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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