i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
