I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
