I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
