Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
