Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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